Alone

I have found it hard to keep my brain busy today. I have slept (a lot), cooked,cleaned ,watched some tv ,and even listened to some of a book. The thoughts just keep running through my head. You should cut you know that's what you want to do. I'm resisting. Lord knows I need to. I have to keep high vigilance on my thoughts and actions. Otherwise I find myself pinching and scratching myself.

Sifting thru the sounds in my head

So, I was open in my about section about having Psychosis. In lesser words in my case that means I hear voices. This past few weeks even though I have religiously taken my medicine they have been getting worse. I do not know if this is due to the stress I'm feeling trying to greatly succeed at school, the pressure of finding the right place for us here in Indy, or if I'm just being to hard on myself in general. I do not have the pleasure of having nice talking voices. They talk down to me they tell me how worthless I am, that I will not succeed in my dreams, that people will give up on me,they give me permission to relapse with drugs and cutting (not just give me permission but highly recommend it). In my case I am lucky because I can tell them from the voices in reality. But like anything else if you have someone (in my case its 4 someone's) telling you something everyday eventually you will begin to believe it. I am trying so hard to stay positive, and some days I have really good days and I'm able to push them into the back of my mind and ignore them. Today is not one those days. I have to learn what I got, what I'm not, and who exactly I am. I will not give up. I can't. The minute I give into the voices my world will crumble around me. And I will have taken a million steps back. I am 6 months 19 days clean of cutting and 8 months 4 days clean off of marijuana and 8 years clean off of my love drug (which I will not name on here). I have come so far. I know this. I do not like the feeling of feeling this low. They will not control my life anymore. They may have won the battle today but they will not win the war. I will be my happy self again. I will be the Dawnetta everyone "knows". I will one day be able to take off this mask of happiness and be true. Have true happiness and confidence.